Edward Elric and the Grim Reaper
by NaginiFay
Summary: Chapter One: Ed Dies. Humor, I hope.  Since when was alchemy a crime? Since when did Ed need counseling? Why is the Grim Reaper a GIRL? Just what is a humanculus, and why are they running around space and time arresting people? Chapter six for real!
1. Ed Dies

Chapter One: Ed Dies

"Great, just great," Ed groused to himself. He was, he supposed, lucky in that he wasn't bleeding much. His automail was completely gone, from the steel sheathing to the wires that had connected to his nerves. That was what was bleeding, the holes from the missing wires. He was also probably lucky that he wasn't naked, or his skin would have started coming off a lot sooner than it had. On the other hand, the gate could have dumped him someplace better.

He'd assumed when he'd been unable to cross completely through the gate, bouncing off of it for some reason, that he had failed completely. However, he definitely was not where he and Al had made the attempt at getting back home from. Being Ed, he chose look to at the middle of a field of some kind of plant as a bad place to be dumped, rather than a whole lot better than being dumped in say, a bottomless lake somewhere. The plant was a good deal taller than he would have been even standing, so there was no chance of help spotting him.

"Unless somebody notices those buzzards and comes to have a look, I'm a goner!" After all, he had no way of knowing how big the field was or how often any one came to look at it. For all he knew, he could be steadily squirming away from the only help for miles. His stomach growled loudly, reminding him, that it had in fact been at least two days since he had had anything to eat or drink.

"I'm in a field right? Shouldn't there be something edible around here!?" he moaned loudly, thrashing his arm and leg dramatically. "I mean, come on!" The bright sun was suddenly eclipsed, and the air was chilled. Edward rolled over and propped himself up. "You have got to be freaking kidding me!" he exclaimed. "This is some kind of sick joke right?"

"I assure you, Edward Elric, hereafter referred to as the Condemned, that this is no joke." Looming above Ed was a tall dark figure, which was wearing a huge black hooded cloak that snapped in the sudden fierce wind, and carrying an enormous scythe. Ed laughed weakly and flopped back down.

"Riiight, so get on with your little show, go ahead make fun of the short guy with one arm and leg. Have fun, knock yourself out. Me, I feel like taking a nap just now."

"Silence!" 'Death' roared, "and hear the charges against you, Condemned!" Edward peeled an eye open.

"Charges? You mean some jerk has sent you out here to arrest me for trespassing!?" 'Death' growled menacingly. Ed waved a careless hand at 'Death' "Yeah, yeah, whatever, just hurry up and arrest me. Your jail has food, right?" 'Death' ignored his interruption.

"Condemned you have been tried and convicted of the following crimes. Crime one, excessive theft of energy from a primary reality during the pursuit of Alchemy."

Ed sat back up. "How do you know about alchemy?" he demanded.

"Crime two, attempted disruption of natural selection through attempted reanimation of the deceased." Edward suddenly found it hard to breathe.

"Crime three, mechanization of a human without consent. Crime four, reckless dimensional travel. Crime five, forced possession of a human. Crime six, interference in a primary reality. Crime seven, unauthorized, reckless time travel. Crime Eight, creation of a homunculus. Condemned, you have been tried for and convicted of the previous offences against Law."

For one of the few times in his life, Edward Elric was at a complete loss for words. "The Will of Law will now be carried out." The dark figure continued, hefting the scythe off of its shoulder. Ed panicked, and started scrambling backwards. "Wait, don't I get an appeal? A last meal at least?" Death laughed. "No." He said, and swung the blade sideways through Ed's neck.

A/N: BWHAHAHAHA! Bow before my evilness!

The crimes are in this order, Ed being lazy and using alchemy for everything, trying to bring his mom back to life, attaching Al's soul to the armor, going through the gate, taking over the other Ed's body, being involved with the Thule Society and getting Hitler arrested, accidentally bouncing off the gate and traveling to Earth's future, and creating Sloth when he tried to bring his mom back.


	2. Ed goes to Hell

A/N: Please take things with a grain of salt. Things are not as they appear, and I will not be dealing with religious themes in this chapter.

Chapter Two: Ed Goes to Hell

Edward Elric yelled. And was astonished to find that his throat hurt, the sun was shining in his eyes, he was still hungry, and he was still lying in a field, with Death looming over him. Edward would have put a metal fist in Death's non-existent face, but he was still missing the metal fist, not to mention the metal leg and something to stand on that he would have also needed. "What's wrong with you!?" he shrieked, "How sick can you get!?"

"Look," Death said tiredly, "you have a problem with the traditional custody procedure, take it up with the rehabilitation counselor, okay? It's not my problem." Death reversed his grip on the trick weapon and sketched a rough doorway on the air. The outline hung in the air for a moment, shimmering. Then, with a horrible screech the inside of the door was suddenly opened on a swirling black expanse.

_Great,_ Ed thought, _A big, black, swirly, vortex of doom. Wonderful_.

"Hmm," Death mused, "We seem to have a _little_ problem here."

"Oh, and who, I mean, what, would that be?" Ed snarled, resenting his helpless position on the ground.

"Well, this would usually be the part where I march you through the Door with the Scythe of Office digging painfully between your shoulder blades. Obviously, that's not going to work here." Impossibly, it seemed, Death's voice brightened. "Well we've got a couple of options here. I can drag you through by your hair, by a foot, or over my shoulder. Any preference?"

"Shoulder, I guess," Ed said reluctantly. "Why do you care what I think, exactly?"

"The Condemned generally prefer to meet their Doom with as much dignity as possible." Death sounded like he was reciting some kind of manual.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Ed said, "Can we just get this over with please?"

"You really don't seem that upset about it. Just a second ago you were yelling like crazy."

"That's because you scared the freaking bejeebers out of me!"

"Frontwards or backwards?" Death asked. Ed was surprised to find he was pleased that Death had a little trouble picking him up. "Any last words for the free world?"

"I'm sorry Al."

"Interesting choice" Death remarked, then he stepped through the Door. Ed felt a brief fizzling sensation, and looking back, he realized the same thing had happened when the image of the scythe blade had sliced through his neck. "Tickles, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, what _was_ that?"

"We just integrated into this reality."

"Just how many realities are there?" Ed asked as Death started walking down the corridor they found themselves in.

"An infinite number probably. I'm not a physicist or a philosopher."

"So what's this one called? Amnestris, Earth?"

"We just left Earth. The Condemned usually just call this Hell, but I call it home." Death chuckled like he'd just make a wonderful joke.

"Hey, I happen not to believe in Hell, or Heaven, for that matter."

Death laughed again. "It's not going to make much difference. Just be glad you didn't get a death sentence."

That gave Ed pause. "I'm not dead?" he asked hopefully.

"That depends on how you define dead. Technically every time you Dis-integrate from a reality, you're dead."

"Sounds like this is pretty complicated, huh."

"For you maybe. I just do my job."

"Which is scaring the bejeebers out of people." Ed sighed, and let his head slump forward. Forward on to something vaguely round, and soft.

"Erm, Death? You wouldn't happen to be a woman would you?"

"Yes actually, and you should address me as Reaper, not Death."

Ed jerked his head back up. "This is soo wrong!"


	3. Bribes and Breakfast

Chapter 3: Ed tries to Bribe the Reaper, then eats Her breakfast

A/N: So, here how things are, as Ed sees them. He's technically dead, but doesn't

actually feel dead and a female Grim Reaper is carrying him off some pit in Hell.

"You're the one who angered Law," Reaper pointed out.

"Can I go home if I promise not to do it again?"

"You think right now anybody would believe you?" Ed changed tactics.

"Could I possibly persuade you to let me go? Preferably in Amestris?"

"No."

"But I can make gold, as much as you want!"

"So can I." Reaper said blandly.

Ed did a double take. "You can? But I thought alchemy was against this Law of yours."

"Only certain kinds. And if I was going to make myself a bunch of gold, it wouldn't be alchemy I used."

"Diamonds then?"

"No."

"Anything?"

"Condemned, I do not take bribes." Ed let his head slump again, realized what he'd done, yanked it back up and scrubbed at his face furiously. "SSOOOO WROOONG!"

Ed's face was still red when Reaper carried him out into a much wider space. There was a sign above them, but Edward couldn't read what it said. It wasn't even the right alphabet.

"What's that say?" "Customs." Reaper informed him. "What like this is another country or something?" "Yes." Ed found that the single customs official on duty looked pretty normal. He had strange clothes, but otherwise was human.

"Got anything to declare, Reaper?" the officer joked.

"Just the usual, sir."

"I don't usually see your sort this time of night. Have a little trouble with him?" he asked curiously as he handed Reaper papers to stamp with the signet she took from a pocket with her spare hand."

"No, just a high profile arrest. This is Edward Elric."

"What, that little guy is what all the fuss is about?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO LITTLE HE MUST ONLY WEIGH FIVE POUNDS, BALDY!?" Ed ranted, shaking his only fist at the customs officer.

"What'd you do to get assigned him? I bet it's a pretty big privilege." the officer asked curiously.

"Its more like what I didn't do." Reaper said sourly, walking on past. "Have a good night, Strength."

"So," Ed asked conversationally, "what didn't you do?"

"I didn't sign the Elric Reproductive Acquisition Petition that a bunch of my colleagues were passing around."

"Reproductive Acquisition?" Ed asked, not sure he really wanted to know.

"They want to have your babies." Reaper said, sounding disgusted. Ed turned red, then white, and made gagging, gibbering noises for several minutes.

"That's sick!" he finally managed. He recovered enough to notice that a door had just whooshed open in front of them. Reaper set him down on a couch that curled around the doors of the small room they entered. Reaper rubbed her shoulder. "You're heavier than you look." She grumbled. "Too bad I don't have my automail, huh." Ed smirked. He could feel Reaper's glare from under her hood, though he couldn't see, and still hadn't seen her face. The door swished shut, coming out of the wall, and his captor sat across from him. "So what exactly are we supposed to be doing in here? Having a staring contest, maybe?"

"Not being dead has sure cheered you up." "No, really?" Ed asked sarcastically.

"Are you still hungry?" his stomach answered for him. Reaper laughed, and began poking the wall behind her. "Lets see what rations this car has left from dinner." Part of the wall glowed, and blinked. "This is a car?" Ed asked in amazement. "Yes," Reaper answered. "Oh sin, they switched over to breakfast already!" "Well it looks like milk and cereal, unless you like oatmeal."

"Milk," Edward replied coldly, "is the most disgusting beverage known to mankind." "Oatmeal it is then." The blinking wall panel disappeared and was replaced by a cabinet, out from which Reaper took a steaming bowl of crushed oat porridge and a paper packet of brown sugar. She handed the bowl to Ed, after dumping the sugar on and sticking a spoon it. This presented him with a bit of a conundrum, as he had only the hand he was holding the bowl with. He was about to push his face down in the hot food when Reaper suddenly stuck a booted foot out and kicked the seat cushion next to him. There was a slight hum of machinery and it rose up, providing him with a table. Edward dug in and was completely oblivious to all else but the taste of the food and the reduced pain in his belly. "Need some more," he mumbled as he was chewing his last bite. "Too bad." "Come on, you're starving me here." Ed whined dramatically. Reaper crossed her arms over chest and practically growled.

"You have just eaten MY breakfast transport ration."

A/N: Uh oh, now she's grumpy! I hope everybody likes the high tech elevator/car thingy!

Chapter Four: Ed accuses the Reaper of Stuffing


	4. Does the Reaper stuff?

Chapter Four: Ed accuses the Reaper of Stuffing

_Oops. _Ed thought, and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Thanks." This was followed by what for Ed was a very uncomfortable silence. Now that his stomach had woken up, he was hungrier than he had been before the food. "So," he asked cheerily after a while, more to distract himself from his stomach than to break the silence. "Where are we going?" "Your cell, dimwit."

Ed deflated somewhat, but persisted. "Hey, Reaper, if you're a woman, how come you sound all deep and menacing and end of the world-ish?" "It is _supposed_ to be intimidating." Edward smirked a little. "So the voice is fake?" Reaper sighed. "Yes. You also might have noticed that I'm not eight feet tall anymore." He hadn't actually, but decided not to mention it. "So the whole deal is fake huh. What about the…?" he waved his hands vaguely in the area of his chest. Ed was suddenly stunned by his own stupidity. "What about you shutting up before I earn a reprimand for beating a prisoner?" Reaper snarled. Having been beaten by a woman many times, specifically his alchemy teacher, Ed felt appropriately threatened.

Boredom soon overrode his common sense, however, and he began amusing himself by poking everything he could reach and seeing what happened. This was a mildly entertaining collection of tweets, beeps, and horn noises. "For virtue's sake, hold still!" Reaper barked at him after Edward began attempting to compose a melody. "Well, I'm bored!" he defended himself. "What kind of car doesn't have windows anyway?"

"The kind that runs underground, where there isn't anything to see!" Reaper snapped.

"My cell is underground? That's completely inhumane!"

"I live down here too, and if it's good enough for me, Condemned, it's more than good enough for you."

This didn't keep Ed from grumbling to himself about needing sunlight for vitamins. Reaper groaned and put her head down on her palm. "Law must still be mad at me, I swear."

"What this Law anyway? It almost sounds like a person." "Law _is_ a person. He's in charge down here, like your king or president you had in Amestris."

"And he's personally out to get you?" Edward asked skeptically. He didn't think Reaper could be that important.

"I wouldn't put it past him." Reaper said darkly. "He's never forgiven me for laughing when he asked me to be his girlfriend, back he was still Discipline."

"You shouldn't have laughed I guess." Ed found himself interested in the bizarre turn the conversation had taken, and privately thought he'd certainly be holding a grudge if some girl had done that to him.

"It is not my fault he had pimples and a squeaky voice." Reaper said in an aggrieved tone. "I mean, I didn't even know his name when he asked me!" Ed shrugged. "But I'm sure somebody like you doesn't have any problems like that. You've probably been on loads of dates." "Errr…" he said.

He was saved from having to come up with a real answer but Reaper suddenly exclaiming, "We should have been there ages ago!" She began poking the wall again furiously and the panel that had lit up before did so again. "Duty's rerouted us! If he wasn't my superior officer now I'd hit him! I should have been home twelve hours ago! He's even classified the destination!"

Edward Elric found himself wondering what sort of history Reaper had with this superior. He was also beginning to think that everybody had a weird name. Duty, Law, Discipline, Strength. Reaper was the only one who didn't fit in. "Hey, is Reaper your actual name, or just the job description?" he asked. "It's the job _title_." He was about to ask her name, when the door slid open, revealing a black uniformed man and a conventional door with a knob, peephole, and knocker. Reaper glowered at him from her seat.

"Aren't you supposed to salute me, Mercy?" "Sin, Nii-san." Reaper said in the tone of voice Ed usually associated with a rude hand gesture and an explicative. He guessed that this was Duty, who was apparently Reaper's older brother. "Nice to see you too, sis." Duty said fondly. "Duty, why are we outside my apartment?" "Because Elric is going to be staying with you here."

A/N: DUDUDUDUDUHN!


	5. Ed caused a Riot?

Chapter Five: Ed causes a Riot

"What!?" Two voices shrieked in unison. Reaper leapt to her feet, the black hood finally falling down and revealing her face. Ed didn't get a good look though as she turned her back on him to yell at her brother. "What kind of insanity could possibly cause you to stray so far from protocol to house a Condemned in MY APARTMENT!?" The contrast between the voices was large, low and menacing to earsplitting and shrill. "The Warden caught installing video feeds in Elric's cell? Four security guards on his corridor caught selling tickets for ten minutes outside his cell? The riot that broke out while you were gone when the petition was denied?" Duty suggested. Ed remembered the Elric Reproductive Acquisition Petition and paled.

"What kind of crazy, sick, demented place is this?" he ranted, nearly knocking himself off the bench. "I find myself wondering," Duty said dryly. "The long and short of it is Elric, you are neither safe, nor likely to receive the therapy you need in the prison. You are also a public safety problem. That leaves either civilian, or Justice Corp housing as the only places to put you without your life signs being both suspicious and inconvenient." Duty turned to Reaper.

"So pretty much around now you should be happy I trust you so much." "I suppose you're expecting me to conduct the therapy too, aren't you?!" she asked suspiciously. "You are qualified." "I hate you, Nii-san." Duty smiled. "Don't forget your bio-mech maintenance appointment this morning, Mercy." "Oh Sin, Sin, Sin! I'm going to be late! Dr. Veracity always skimps on my meds if I'm late! What am I supposed to do with him?" she pointed a gloved finger at Ed. "Take him with you of course. You can't expect him to complete the therapy with just one arm and leg can you?" "It's his fault he hasn't got the others!" "Take him, Mercy, that's an Order."

Edward found himself alone in the car again, with a fuming Reaper named Mercy. She didn't appear to be much older than him, with short-cropped orange hair. "Mercy, what's bio-mech?" he asked her when she seemed to have calmed down. His shoulder and arm were really starting to ache badly, and he hoped this Doctor Veracity person would help. Ed certainly didn't relish the thought of being put over Mercy the Reaper's shoulder again.

"Don't call me that." She said sharply. "It's your name isn't it?" "Do I call you Edward?" "No, just hey you and the whole Condemned thing, which is really getting kind of old, so you probably should. Or Ed, if you want." "No." "Aww come on, why not?" "Because you are in prison and I am your jailor. It's not appropriate. Maybe, and I mean maybe, you could call me Miss Cardinal, if you were respectful and humble about it." Ed snorted. "Riiight. Anyway, what's bio-mech?"

Mercy considered the question for a minute. "It can't be that hard a question to answer!" Ed exclaimed when she continued to be silently thoughtful. The pain was really shortening his temper. "It is if there is about six centuries and an alternate reality's worth of medical and technological development you don't know anything about!" Ed gaped. "Six centuries? Is that what all that trash about reckless and unauthorized time travel was about?!" Mercy sighed. "Don't explode your brain, Condemned. I figure bio-mechs is pretty much like automail."

Edward was silent for several minutes, contemplating the enormity of the probable advancements in all the sciences in six centuries. He was distracted by a stray thought. "Hey, why does she need automail?" realizing too late that he had spoken out loud. "Cave-in." Mercy said succinctly. "Cave-in huh. I guess there are drawbacks to living underground." "Only during earthquakes." She replied. Just then the door slid open, revealing a scary looking woman with a wheelchair.


	6. Humanculi

Chapter Six: Ed learns about Humanculi

"Alright! A free ride! Wheels are so much better than getting carried." Ed chattered to the woman. "Mercy here has a really bony shoulder." He added confidentially. "Should have dragged him by the hair, dear." The scary woman commented, unceremoniously picking Ed up and dumping him across the seat of the chair. "Ow! Watch it nurse!" "I don't see any nurse. Do you see a nurse, Mercy?" "No, Doctor, I don't. I think he might be hallucinating." Mercy said seriously. "Well, if he is, it's your fault" the Doctor said, turning on her accomplice. "My fault? How?" "That horrid outfit of course." "It's not an outfit! It's my uniform!" The doctor shook her head. "Not in my office it's not. The Grim Reaper, in a hospital of all places!" Mercy pulled off her cloak and collapsed the scythe into itself somehow. "Better?" Underneath she was wearing the same uniform as her brother. "Marginally." Dr. Veracity wheeled Ed, still sideways in the chair into the office. There were a few beds of varying height, what looked like dentist's chairs. The doctor again picked him up, but this time sat him on the edge of a bed. "How did you lose your prosthetics, young man?" she asked him, peering severely over what was shaped like a clipboard, but didn't seem to have any paper on it. "Trying to go through the Gate with my brother." "Which direction?" "It matters?" Ed asked blankly, noticing Mercy lie down on a bed and curl up awkwardly. "Yes, now which direction?" "From Earth to Amestris. I hit the Gate on the side and bounced off." "It rejected your atoms." Dr Veracity said matter of factly. "You can only pass through the Gate so many times before which side your matter came from affects the result. I imagine your prosthetics arrived where they originated, in Amestris, while the rest of you, being thoroughly tainted by Earth matter, bounced off." Ed looked at her with a slightly glazed expression. "Err, okay." He was thinking what Al must have thought to find his automail on the other side by itself. _Al must think I'm dead! _He groaned.

"I didn't know you did physics, Doctor." Mercy said sleepily.

"Now, you know how many times the average Humanculus changes careers, don't you?"

Mercy waved a hand, "Yeah, yeah, eight to twelve." She yawned broadly, and peered at Ed with one eye. "Hey, what's your problem?" Ed had gone rigid with fear, he was pale and gripping the bedrail so hard his whole hand had gone white. Mercy sat up. "Are you alright?" she asked quizzically.

"You are homunculi?" he said as calmly as he could.

"No, we're Humanculi."

Ed swallowed hard. _They can't be human then, if they have a different name for themselves, can they?_ "And what is a humanculus then?"

"We're clones." Doctor Veracity saw Ed look at her blankly. "Mercy, why don't you take this, you've got the background for it."

"Well, a homunculus is basically an imitation copy of a dead person, right?"

"Plus soulless immortality and weird powers." Ed added.

"Well, with humanculi a normal human embryo is taken and encouraged to split into several embryos. It's just like when an embryo splits and a mother has identical twins, but with dozens of identicals, instead of two, or three. Normally then, after this process, one or two of the embryos are put back inside the mother and carries and delivers naturally."

"What about the others?" Ed asked tensely.

"Well if the embryos are put in any woman's womb, then the child is human and completely normal in all ways and any spares are frozen or incinerated."

Edward flinched. An embryo was just a really small baby wasn't it? "That's awful."

"Well until more recently there really wasn't anything else that could be done. Ages ago, scientists invented an artificial womb, but there were some pretty big side effects, so no one allowed them to be used. Then our reality had a population crisis. We went from billions of people to less than a million in just a few years." Ed tried to imagine death on that scale. He shuddered.

"Well, with things that bad, nobody cared about the side effects. All the frozen embryos got rounded up, and the artificial wombs were dusted off. It saved the human species in this reality. Of course, after the crisis was over the natural born humans decided the rest of us were inferior because of the side effects and made us all second class citizens."

"What kind of side effects are there?" Edward queried.

"Well, the one you'd care about the most is the main thing we share with homunculi. Humans have Gates inside of them. We don't."

"Why?"

Mercy shrugged. "It's probably because we don't go through the trauma of birth. I'm sure it's some deep spiritual thing." Ed shook his head, unsure what to think. Maybe these people had souls, maybe they didn't. In either case, he was, with no puns intended, at their mercy for the time being.

He noticed the Doctor Veracity had been gathering things up from around the room. She started sticking things into his wounds, and measuring all sorts of different ways. It was more irritating than painful. "So that's the deal with the names then? Instead of Sins like the homunculi, you're Virtues?"

"Exactly." Mercy replied. "Are you done freaking out now?"

"Yeah, I guess." Ed said, rubbing the back of his head.


End file.
